Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Another 4 letter word...

I've just finished reading The Last Lecture about the computer science professor that was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer and gave his literal last lecture to his students and it was amazing. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, go to his website (thelastlecture.com).

The amount of courage and strength that man possessed. And to be able to put it into words... verbal and written. And the amount of people he touched - his family, his friends, his students, his co-workers. He actually was a Do-It kind of guy instead of a Say-It kind.

I'm going to try and learn something from him. I'm not a type A personality....more like a B+ kinda girl. I'm a good Indian and really have no desire to be the chief. Now, I'll campaign a bit to be the chief's advisor if she/he was worth it. And, that was the great thing about the book and the last lecture. It recognizes that not everybody is going to run the world or come up with a world-changing idea but that each person has their own value... to themselves, to their families, to their work-force.

So, getting back to the title of this post, what's another four letter word? Weak is my new four letter word that's becoming the thorn in my side. While my B+ personality might be lacking in the drive to be leader I've never lacked the strength to get what I need to do done. I'm up to carrying out the orders and keeping things going... I was usually captain of my athletic teams - not because I was the best athlete ... nope - because I was the one a coach always described as having the heart that made up for my lack of ability. Now, even heart can't cover it all with MS.

Heart's great when you want to get something done but doesn't help you out when your right leg does not want to cooperate with your brain's orders. Heart's great when you remember what you have to do but how you want to do it becomes too scrambled in your brain to make sure it gets done. Heart's amazing to keep you going despite not being able to do the things you enjoy because you physically cannot do them....

I'm still a little snarfy about all the things I feel like my MS has taken away. I haven't been mountain biking in over 2 years - I could do it with my cooling vest but my legs haven't been working right and now I won't do it again for a while to make sure my back heals... I now know why I had to quit running a couple of years ago because every time I did my feet would go numb and I'd lose a lot of feeling even in my arms (now know it was spasticity mixed with heat reaction). I feel weak because I haven't been able to focus on the things I can do despite the MS.

I realized this (a little late I think) reading the book. Weak is going to become a really bad four letter word for me. Any time I start thinking it I'm going to start putting a quarter in a jar or something. Weak has become a part of me like never before but it does not mean it has to become the dominant part of me. I'm going to try and start developing ways to overcome my weakness. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to happen over night but it can happen.

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