Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'm a wimp...

And I know it. I've been "clumsy" all of my life.... well, let me clarify that. If it was a sliding grab of the softball stopping it from going into center field - done, with the runner thrown out. If it was a run down with a dive with my arm stretched to the max to get the volleyball up within inches of hitting the court - done! But, stepping out of the dugout to walk to my position at 2nd base sometimes posed a problem, as well as walking back to serve the ball in volleyball. THEN - I had 2 left feet and 3 arms and none of them could stop my falls.

Course, I wonder now how much of that was pre-MS? That type of stuff didn't start until I was in my later teens. The first time they ever found lesions on an MRI was in my cervical spine after I hurt my back during an altercation at work. I then semi-lost feeling in both my arms, with tingly/zipper sensations along the "bottom" part of my arms from my shoulder to my fingers, with no feeling in either hands' pinky and ring finger. I was told by that neuro that I should get yearly MRI scans to follow-up to make sure it was not MS but that the symptoms matched my injury to a T so just thought it was injury-related. [didn't do the yearly follow-up and the diagnosis was 7 years later]

But, back to me being a wimp. So, my back has it in for me. It's determined to prove to me just how important it is, and just what I cannot do without it. Remember my not requesting of pain meds when I met with the neurosurgeon? Well, I sucked it up and called his nurse today. This pain is not fun. It's not horrible - but I'm scared it will progress there. My back is one constant spasm. At first it was just in my lower back. Now, the whole freakin' back! Those shooting pains down my leg that were very intermintent through the day only a couple of weeks ago - getting closer to common through the hour. (Actually it's there already).

I keep asking myself if I would still be feeling this pain if they hadn't told me about the "injury". Ever wonder about that? Would I still be as immobilized right now if I didn't know I had the diagnosis in my back? Or, would I just think I was having a little muscle cramp in my back and the heating pad would make it all go away? I dunno - I feel like I'm the biggest wimp ever. Surely, this pain isn't as bad as I'm feeling it? I'm a big believer in mental power. My college coach was a big believer in it as well - I still have a reminder of her positive power of thought ideas on my keychain to this day. When it's one of those days that you HAVE to get to work because you HAVE to do that meeting/presentation/interview because you HAVE to not miss that dinner and break anymore plans. We get through those days. Can I get through this? Yes, I can. I will. Do I want to? No, I don't. I don't want to endure anymore PT and I definately don't want to risk surgery? Will I be able to avoid any of that, I don't know.

Will I make it through anything I go through? Yes, I will. I know it. I have faith I will. I know I've got more years of lots of physical activity ahead of me. I know I have many years of playing with my pups, painting rooms in my house, and possibly playing with some 2-legged people in my house. So, bring it on. Am I a wimp? Yes, I cry at certain commercials and all the sappy movies and I feel pain - physical and emotional. Is it stronger than me, no. I just needed to whine about it a little bit. Get it on the outside so I could see how puny it really is. I'm going to snuggle in bed with my honey now and read a few pages of my book before I go to bed. That's the good stuff!! That's why I know I can't be too much of a wimp with that kind of support!


Lazy Julie said...

Needless to say I know how you feel. And I know, since you so kindly told me on my blog, that you know how I feel, too.

That's what gets me through. The understanding that I am not alone.

Hang in.

Lazy Julie

Kimberly said...

TAKE the pain meds. We don't get medals for suffering. (Although if we did we MSers would have a room full)! Taking pain meds doesn't make you a wimp, it makes you SMART. SUffering needlessly doesn't make any sense and you should know that physical stress as well as emotional stress will trigger exacerbations! Take care of YOU. You won't need the meds long. Before you know it you'll be back to your "normal" self. :)


Julie and Kimberly have given you some excellent words. I second their sentiments. You are not alone in this journey and you certainly are not a wimp for taking the pain meds. Hope you feel better soon.


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